March 2013
1 post
Still cancer-free! Three year cancerversary
Thank you again to my caregivers and all the people who supported me, including many who commented here. I’ve been scanned, scoped, and probed and I am pronounced cancer free again. Three years is a significant anniversary — my oncologist hasn’t seen a recurrence of my disease after three years. I go for annual instead of semi-annual checkups for two years, and then, in 2015,...
November 2010
1 post
Farewell, Michelle Conte, valiant warrior
I’m healthy. Still cancer-free after being probed and scanned and tested. Next round of tests is in January.
I want to write about someone else. I lost a friend to cancer today. She was the mother of my daughter’s high-school boyfriend. Her name was Michelle Conte, and she chose to stand and fight for her life in a way that I frankly would probably not choose to. But I salute her...
May 2010
2 posts
My butt in Time Magazine
Old friend Steven Johnson mentions this blog in his article “in praise of oversharing” in Time magazine.
Oversharing, in a strange way, turns out to be a civic good. This concept also dates back to the early days of the electronic commons; Rheingold’s 1993 book The Virtual Community told the story of a member of the pioneering online community, The Well, posting about an ...
Return to (the illusion of) the future
I got the news today that yesterday’s CT scan was clear. Besides making me happy, the news caused my mental model of the future to stop wobbling. Before I began watching my thoughts fly by on a regular basis, I had never devoted much attention to the question of how much time I spend thinking about the future. When I started practicing mindfulness meditation, my procedure was to count my...
April 2010
6 posts
Pain, discomfort, and happiness
Just a brief observation, because this is a liminal period and my current state of mind will probably change — another message in a bottle to my future self.
I’m happy. What fool WOULDN’T be happy to be cancer-free?
At the same time, my wound hurts if I don’t take painkillers, and I go through what I imagine to be withdrawal symptoms (irritability, fatigue, cold sweats)...
CANCER FREE!
I just got back from my radiation oncologist. He used what he claims to be the most sensitive scientific instrument he has available — his finger — to determine that the tumor is completely gone. Dead. Kaput. He wants me to get a sigmoidoscopy in six weeks and a PET scan in three months, and he’ll want to examine me every three months for the next couple years. But right now, I...
Feeling like a peeled hard-boiled egg
Reading my first entries here, I’m impressed with my bravery. I just strode into the teeth of the storm, didn’t I? If I was to talk that way right now, it would be bravado. My armor is cracked open and my heart is raw and sensitive. I’m open to compassion for those who suffer far worse than I have. I’m open to a kind of deep love I’ve never known before, for my...
I'm back in action!
Portland went well. I still need more rest than I used to, but I feel like this was a milestone. I was on stage for nearly two hours, and a dinner with sponsors and additional Q&A afterward. Monday is a big checkup. THE big checkup.
Buoyed by support
I’m feeling better, now, although I still have a distance to go, physically and emotionally. I realized that readers of this blog and its comments are only seeing a small part of the tremendous support I’ve received. I get emails every day from friends, students, colleagues, strangers. People send me music, flowers, bring food. Thank you, thank you! The prayers, good wishes, messages...
Depression?
I’ve been sleeping a lot. I get out of bed around 8, breakfast and do correspondence for a couple hours, and I’m back in bed by 10:30 or 11:00. I get up for a couple hours around noon and then sleep again until 4 or 5. In the last few days, I’ve been experiencing anxiety and sadness. There are real reasons for anxiety — cancer, financial worries, career worries — but...
March 2010
6 posts
Back on the planet, but....slowly recovering
Just to let you know that I am indeed on the mend. However, I’m still very much in recovery mode. I need to spend most of the day napping. Whenever I think I’m back to normal, I overdo it and get slammed the next day. I’m still thinking/hoping that I will be able to stand up on a stage and give a keynote speech in Portland, OR, two weeks from today. I’m barely two weeks...
Return to Planet Earth
Henry James at Stanford
Henry James’ book, Portrait of a Lady, involves a young American woman in Europe and two European nobles who manipulate her. Through much of the novel, neither the Lady in question nor the reader knows about this manipulation. At some point, however, at a social gathering, the two manipulators exchange a glance across a crowded room — and all becomes clear for the reader, and...
Palo Alto Bound
I’m going for it.
Graduation Day
It’s been another rough week. Last night, Judy and I spent 9 PM - 4 AM in the Marin General ER because I’ve been spiking mini-fevers above 100.5, which is apparently some kind of threshold. They took blood for cultures to find the cause of the infection, pumped me full of IV antibiotics, and sent me home with oral antibiotics. My white and red blood cells are scary low because the...
The New Normal Achieves New Lows
Beloved friends. I am not appealing for more sympathy — I feel buoyed, supported, and uplifted by your love. But I do need to let you know that I’m in the thick of it. What that means is that my fervent hopes to attend class in person tomorrow have been dashed, and that it is likely that it will be some time before I can post anything more substantial here.
My Judy continues to be my...
February 2010
15 posts
The New Normal?
When all this started, one of Judy’s wise remarks was “Maybe this is the new normal.” After all, everything changes — why shouldn’t “normal life” change?
Doctors keep warning me about the onerous side-effects of treatment, and while I wouldn’t recommend going through what I’m going through, diet and medication and meditation seem to be helping...
Avanti!
This is the fifth week of treatment. They warned me and rewarned me that this week and next will be rough. I don’t want to be cocky or dabble in hubris, but although I do have intense episodes of discomfort, so far my side-effects are manageable. I started chemo again today. My platelets and white cells are down, as expected, but not so far that treatment needs to be suspended. The infusion...
Surrounded by teachers
I’m surrounded by teachers — friends, others who have undergone treatment for cancer, and magical soul teachers like Bengali poet Rabindrinath Tagore. My good friend Phyllis Florin took this photograph of Mamie and I cheerfully paddling a two-person inflatable kayak into a rapid on the Rogue river some years ago. Phyllis has a wonderful talent for enhancing photos into inspirational...
I love my caregivers
When I got my diagnosis, I asked my GP if I ought to be at Sloan-Kettering or MD Anderson — the big, famous cancer hospitals. He told me, considering the three-opinion diagnosis, the rarity of my disease, and unanimity of opinion regarding treatment options, that this would be like importing a Ferrari mechanic to change my tires. He liked the oncologists, and the equipment is state of the...
Into the rapids
I’ve done a LOT of whitewater. On my first exposure to the freemasonry of adrenaline-freaks who throw themselves into enormous hydraulic turbulence for fun, I PADDLED the length of the Colorado in small rafts with 16 professional river guides. Mamie and I have done the Rogue more times than I can remember. The Salmon. Middle Fork of the Salmon. The Klamath. The Green. The Stan before the...
My lucky day: December 13, 1967
First, a progress report. In general, the news is good. Latest blood tests need to be repeated, but they show that chemo has depressed platelets and white cell count, but not enough to warrant suspending treatment. Radiation treatments will continue daily, and another week of chemo scheduled for Feb 22. I’m on top of onerous side-effects, and although I’ve been told that they will grow...
I salute you, Mamie Rheingold
My daughter Mamie, a Googler, works 50-60 hour weeks — and longer. It’s the way she has always been: she won’t stop until she’s done everything on her list, and she’s not satisfied until she’s done everything as perfectly as possible. Despite her very significant work obligations, she has managed to do her job and to support me magnificently.
Yesterday, we got...
I'm feeling well enough to teach today
Long day. Mamie will drive me to 7:40 AM treatment, then I meet with radiation oncologist, then I wait in line for a blood test, then Mamie and I will have an unhurried breakfast and she will drive me to Stanford. She’ll pick me up after class and drive me to the city, where Judy will pick me up.
As long as I’m feeling well enough and don’t look to skeery, I’m going to try...
Heading for the rapids
I’ve been through a couple of episodes of not feeling so hot. They are definitely episodes that subside in ten minutes or an hour. I had one yesterday, for example, but was able to walk my dogs for over an hour in the afternoon. The episodes are becoming more frequent, lasting longer, and more onerous. However, it’s really no big deal yet, particularly in comparison to what so many...
I'm feeling pretty good today
I had a not so good morning yesterday, probably in part due to my own overindulgence in some extremely yummy cookies. My refrigerator and freezer are full of delicious soups and stews that friends have contributed. I eat soup for breakfast — something I’ve done for a long time to keep my blood-sugar level below that of a diabetic — so this is a great relief from the store-bought...
Good news -- the rest of my body is CLEAR of...
I thought that I had posted the results of my PET scan, but maybe I didn’t. A PET scan offers a detailed look at the entire body, and through the use of a radioactive glucose (tumors love glucose), it is a good way to detect even tiny tumors anywhere in the body.
The results of my PET scan were that the rest of my body is CLEAR of metastases (secondary tumors). This is VERY good news, and...
Side effects of treatment are starting to kick in
Clearly, I’m not being squeamish about the details. And neither do I want to, uh, bombard my readers with micro-reports on the functioning of my lower gastrointestinal tract. So I’m going to describe the expected side-effects of my treatment and allow y’all to read between the lines in the future.
I’m told that most patients have little problem, except for some fatigue,...
What do you say to someone who has cancer? (Hint:...
I’ve heard from so many friends and colleagues. And I’ve NOT heard from some people who undoubtedly have heard the news. I definitely understand what is inhibiting them. It was only a few weeks ago when I was a person without cancer who didn’t know what to say to a person who has been diagnosed.
From this side of the line, my advice is to to reach out through the least intrusive...
Off to Stanford today
Stanford has been totally supportive (thank you Barbara and Jim!) and I’ve set up contingency plans for days when I’ll need to attend class via video. But today I feel well enough to make the trek, so I’m leaving in 5 minutes for a 7:45 treatment, then meet with radiation oncologist, then Judy and I get breakfast and head for Palo Alto, where she will hang out ALL DAY and pick me...
And what about living?
Thinking about death led me fairly directly to thinking about living: “What am I going to do with the rest of my life?” is always a good question, but it does come up with a certain vivacity in the afterglow of a cancer diagnosis. My immediate and overriding objective in life, of course, is getting well. But what of the big picture? I don’t feel like defining my existence...
January 2010
7 posts
So what about dying?
So there I was in my hotel room on the outskirts of Paris, shortly before I was scheduled to meet a dear Parisian friend for dinner. And I had the email with my diagnosis, bonging the big bell of mortality over and over.
The first thought that occurred to me, and which probably occurs to most people who are confronted with a cancer diagnosis, was “Am I going to die?”
And of course,...
On the other side of this email, everything will...
I’ve always been fond of this part of the Burning Man festival origin legend:
Ten years ago a small caravan of vehicles stopped at the edge of the empty vastness of the Black Rock desert, a place where you could gain nothing or lose it all and no one would ever know. Danger Ranger took a stick, drew a line across the earth, and said “On the other side of this line, there exists a...
I know good news when I hear it
Brief report, rumination-free. More of the philosophical hoo-ha after Wednesday. Right now, I need to devote my attention to preparing to teach a class tomorrow.
Went for first chemo today. It’s hard to not be a little apprehensive about that. They started with anti-nausea in my PICC-line. Then they pushed a dose of Mitomycin. Then they got me started on a four-day continuous infusion of...
How I found out I had cancer
A few years ago, after seeing a small amount of red blood in my stool, I went to my GP, who diagnosed a hemorrhoid. The best way to confirm that diagnosis is by digital inspection of the wazoonie. I am probably not alone in being reluctant to request such an exam. I need to get one annually, to make sure my prostate isn’t going rogue, but I confess that I’ve let years go by in the past...
Why is Howard's butt blogging? (Start here)
What’s happening with Howard’s butt?
I might as well deal with the icky part at the beginning: On January 15, 2010, I learned that I had been diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma of the rectum. While very very few people might want to have butt cancer at all, it turns out that the kind I have is relatively desirable because it probably does not require surgical removal of my...
