Just a brief observation, because this is a liminal period and my current state of mind will probably change — another message in a bottle to my future self.

I’m happy. What fool WOULDN’T be happy to be cancer-free?

At the same time, my wound hurts if I don’t take painkillers, and I go through what I imagine to be withdrawal symptoms (irritability, fatigue, cold sweats) if I don’t take painkillers. My energy is still low. I have a urinary tract infection. So I am simultaneously in pain (NOTHING compared to the pain I experienced before my diagnosis and in the 5th and 6th weeks of treatment) AND happy.

I’m told that the word “dukkha” that is part of the Buddhist vocabulary is mistranslated as “suffering,” but is closer to “dissatisfaction.” I’m in pain, but I’m not suffering. The same pain, day before  yesterday, before I learned that the tumor has been killed, would have been accompanied by near-depression.

My good friend Richard Nielsen, long-time managing editor of the Co-Evolution Quarterly and Whole Earth Review, who taught me how to edit prose and prune fruit trees, died of AIDS. His last months were protracted. He had zero money and lived in poverty. He had a lot of pain. I talked to him a couple days before he died. I told him that I heard he had been having a rough time. I’ll never forget what he said. I’m beginning to understand it better. He said: “Yes, it’s been rough. And I’m grateful for every minute of it.”

So am I. So am I.